Uncle Deadly Drops Dead Again

I was a huge Muppet fan.  Really.  I'll admit it.  Muppets From Space is my absolute favorite!  But close on its heels are Muppet Treasure Island and A Muppet Christmas Carol.  Not to mention all of the awesome Muppet Show performances over the years with its all-star guests.  That being said, I do not like the latest Muppet movie.  It has to be one of the worst attempts at a film in a very long while.  Despite some of my favorite actors: Chris Cooper, Amy Adams, Emily Blount, and Jack Black, along with the return of the original Muppets, this movie had no plot, little or no chemistry among the cast, and pathetic songs.  Yeah, it was that bad.

Amy Adams, as good an actress as she is, seemed disconnected to the rest of the actors throughout the movie.  Sometimes it even seemed like she just didn't want to be there.  Jason Segal looked like he was trying too hard.  The arrival of Jim Parsons as the "man" version of Walter was just weird, and the storyline was one that was too plain for the Muppets.  It lacked creativity and felt haphazard.  I found myself saying over and over "that's it?"  The songs were unworthy of traditional Muppet numbers and the main song with which they began and ended was just plain awful.

If there could be a redeeming quality, I would have to say that it would be Chris Cooper's performance as the bad guy (he really seemed to have fun with that - although he effectively began and ended his rap career with that one song).  The other fun factor was Jack Black's humorous turn as a kidnapped guest star.  Overall, I would give this movie 2 out of 5 stars.

Sword and Sandal 2012: Or How to Use More Blood than a Vampire in Your Movie

Whether or not MST3K is providing extra sound effects, the classic Hercules movies are something that you should at least put on in the background while going over reports or studying.  Personally, I have trouble deciding whether I like Steve Reeves or Gordon Scott the best, but the classic Hercules movies are a definite must!  Of course, nowadays, you would have to decide whether or not to classify them as Action/Adenture, Fantasy, or Comedy, rather than their original "Sword and Sandal" label, but the entertainment value is still there.

Of course, with the latest and greatest versions of the Sword and Sandal genre, there's a completely different tone.  Movies such as Clash of the Titans seem to use Greek and Roman combat to spill (or rather glop, sling, or splatter) as much blood as possible in the span of about 2 hours.  I have taught Greek and Roman history before.  I am familiar with many of the methods of fighting used back then and yes, many of them are gross or inhumane by today's modern, American standards.  But you really don't have to use that much blood in a film.  I really don't mind violent movies - but I haven't seen a reltively new Sword and Sandal film that has a decent storyline.  A common complaint is the acting - and yes, there are many bad actors and sucktastic acting jobs in this revived genre.  Unfortunately, however, the actors are not always the problem either.  Clash of the Titans' and Wrath of the Titans' Liam Neeson is known for his excellent acting skills, but even he couldn't assist with the epic tragedy that was the making of that film.  Not enough evidence?  Henry Cavill and John Hurt in The Immortals are proof-positive that good actors can't help a bad script.  The only exception would be Season 1 of HBO's series Rome.  While not a standalone movie, the writing is great and the acting pretty phenominal

So you may laugh at the fact that Hercules winds up fighting Mongols, or that he just happens to be in Troy in time to kill the Kraken.  Okay, fine.  I laugh too.  But in an age when the revival of the Sword and Sandal movies and shows could be exciting, we get an armada of digital effects just to be able to see giant scorpions in 3D.  If you want to see giant scorpions on the big screen, watch an Imax documentary.  If you want to see it in 3D, go out west.  Believe me, there is much more to Ancient Greece, Rome, and Mythology than what filmmakers today are allowing it to be.  I love good special effects, but nothing can replace good storytelling.

(Hercules poster from http://www.arcatatheater.com)

Snarks

Yes, there are snarks.  They're extremely annoying, ridiculous looking little monsters that run around with pessimistic and cynical points of view.  Missing something? Still believe the borrowers took it?  Sorry to disappoint you, but your earrings weren't taken by cute little elves so they could admire them, they were snatched without care by these slobbering little creatures who thought that since you didn't look the best in them, there was no sense in anyone having them.  What will they do with them?  It doesn't matter.  They can use them for mud boots as far as they're  concerned.  After all, a snark's perspective on life is that the world is flat and we're living on a giant land-mass boat sailing off the edge.

I happened to capture a snark.  I sat in my library one day, repeating positive thinking tools from a new manual: "I believe that I have the ability to believe in my abilities" (a slightly reminiscent, if not more verbose version of nephew's latest manual on positive thinking: The Little Engine That Could).  When the snark heard me recite this, it laughed so hard that it fell off the table where it was going to relieve me of my keys - after all, no one needs keys when we're going to fall off the edge of the world.  It fell conveniently into my plate of spaghetti where, after moments of flailing, it became sufficiently stuck.  I keep it in a glass jar beside my computer.  (*sigh* Yes, there are air holes.)  Whenever I sit down to write, it constantly comments on everything.  Sometimes I listen to it without knowing and write it down.  Sometimes, I write what I'm supposed to.  Whatever happens, if you don't like what you read, blame it on the snark.  Which I creatively named, in a clouded haze one morning before getting my coffee, Snark.

NOTE: no snarks were harmed in the writing of this blog